Saturday, April 23, 2011

` Just old words.

And nothing more.

As I stared at the words written on my old journal, I tried to remember how I felt when I first wrote them. It makes me sad and proud at how much I`ve changed since the days I`ve written those words that describe how happy and foolish I must have been.

Just when I thought I`d have to live clinging on to those words for the rest of my life, hey, I moved on.

We all do.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

I don`t want to write this entry by starting with the lines "I remember the first time that I`ve first entered my university..." blah, blah, blah... and how it felt because it`s overused. But how can I not? When the very moment I`ve stepped into college was probably the most vivid memory I`ve ever had in the 4 years I`ve stayed in Aquinas University.

I remember even threatening my own mother, with conviction, the week before the actual start of classes that I would not take my studies seriously if she insisted that I study there, with a course I had no intentions of pursuing. Now, I think of that one day, and I remember how nervously excited and scared I have felt when I walked to St. Albert`s Building Lobby with no familiar face in sight, with only my "White Form" as my guide.

But yeah. Even with the threats I made, there I was, making sure I was not late to attend my first class even if I hated the subject - Math. When it was my turn to introduce myself in class, the way I`ve caught my blockmates` attention made me be determined that from then on, my voice would be heard in class the way it never had in high school. It felt great that it was the chance I had to start over where nobody knew who I was and what I`ve done. College was a place nobody could ever judge my past.

Then I thought, "Hey, college wouldn`t be that bad, right?"
Freshman Year
Downs. I lost friends over one silly issue that happened in one of our class activities. I failed one subject. And I got my heart broken.
Ups. I was able to exercise my "social-skills". Haha. :)) And because I was friends with almost everyone in my class, I had no trouble dealing with anyone or anybody. Back then, everybody were truly nice. I could hang out with any group of friends in class and my blockmates trusted and respected me with how much and how little I could help them with.
Learnings.
I`ve learned that you are only little when you belittle yourself. That you might not see what`s good in you but at some point, people will help you lift yourself up if you let them, and if you let yourself.
Sophomore and Junior Years
Downs.
I felt the most unbearable burden of school work, where I had to juggle making NCPs and case presentations (while trying to mend my broken heart and worrying about a friend I`ve lost) `til the wee hours of the night. Only to wake up again the next day at 7 to go to duty, or go to school where lectures stretch even until 8 in the evening.
Learnings.
I`ve learned how important management was. That what`s important is to show how hard you try to work seemingly unmanageable things out. That even broken hearts could be mended because I`ve realized that I`m too young to even know who my soulmate is, and if I would or would not end up with him.
I`ve learned that there were different kinds of friends. There were friends who only sticked with you because you provide them for their needs. But that there are some friends who are still willing to stay even if you don`t necessarily have to give them anything. That they come and go, and you`re not always left with the choice if they stay or not. That the only friends worth your time are the friends that don`t leave when you need them most, and who still stay even when you no longer need them.
Senior Year
Ups. AFFILIATION and THESIS. NEED I SAY MORE? :D
Downs. AFFILIATION and THESIS. AGAIN, NEED I SAY MORE? :|
Learnings.
I`ve learned how to take things in a stride. That nothing works if I panicked over not getting a case, or not submitting thesis draft on time, or that the guy I`ve fallen in love with now belongs to another, or that I`ve never fixed things with an old friend. I`ve learned that those things normally happen to normal people like me, that I`m not the only one who goes through those things. That everything is always based on the attitude I face them with. That God, He`s the only one to trust. Because when nobody else is there, He is. :)

Now you see why I always say I love it better in college? College helped BIG TIME in bringing out the best in me and my potentials. People saw me when I thought I`d go through college invisibly. I`ve met people who inspired me to do and say things they knew, and I eventually realized, I was capable of getting done. College taught the virtue of BELIEVING in MYSELF, and SHAPING MYSELF to be someone I never imagined myself to be.

College will be a big chunk of my life I would never ever forget. And now that I`m just hours away from leaving that comfort zone, my comfort, I feel both relieved and saddened by it. Relieved in a way that I won`t ever have to go through the demanding school requirements, and the boring lectures, and the heart aches that come along even with just being physically present in school. And sad because the thought of LEAVING? :| :(( Leaving always hurts.

I`ll miss college every day the moment I officially get out from it. :( I`ll miss the people who made school bearable. I`ll miss knowing I have something to look forward to even if it`s an 8-4 shift in Sorsogon, or a pre-test in NCM. I`ll miss the essential part of my life that started to define WHO I AM as a PERSON, and WHO I WILL BE in the next few years.

Now, I can say,
"Yes, college wasn`t that bad... it was the BEST."